Standing On My Own


I sit here and am overwhelmed with how different things are now. Everything has changed in such a short amount of time. I think about where I was a year ago and how different things were only six months ago. People aren't kidding when they say that life can change in a blink of an eye. It can, it does and it will, whether you are ready for it or not.


I spent all of my adult life with one person. He was my best friend. We spent every waking moment together from the time we were in college. When it was time to move out from our parents' houses, we moved in together. We turned a house we rented into a home together. We rescued a dog that quickly stole both of our hearts. We started a business together and my parents helped support the both of us in that business. My family was his family and his family was mine. It felt like it had been that way forever.


When he started dating someone, he wasn't honest with me about it. I wish he had been because I think things would have gone down a very different road. He made promises to her and broke them with me. He made promises to me and broke them with her. He went back and forth for months before she gave him an ultimatum and after years of telling me that he would never walk away from me, that's just what he did. He chose her and she made him eliminate me from every part of his life. 


We closed our business. I moved out of our home and she moved in to replace me. She made him block me on social media and block all communication, despite telling me that he would never allow that to happen. I had to have my father arrange to get my things back and they were returned doused in her perfume.


I think sometimes people mistake my mostly quiet nature and kindness as weakness, but I'm far from weak. I try to take a step back and understand where people are coming from and why they do certain things. I know that everything she feels about me comes from her own insecurities, the way he's portrayed me to her, and the fact that he lied to her as much as he lied to me. I know that the reason why he won't communicate with me is because he can't face me or what he did. I don't blame him. My closest friend of more than fifteen years and he threw away our friendship like it was disposable for him, and I guess in many ways, it was.


I didn't understand it at first and I felt so very lost in the beginning of all of this. I still don't understand a lot of it, like why he had to lie or hide things from me, or why he spent so much time and energy convincing me of things that were obviously not true. Every time I tried to walk away, he kept pulling me back, begging me to stay... and so I did. Until finally he was the one who left me. 


In the beginning it seemed unfair. I didn't deserve the things that happened. I didn't deserve the lies from him or the anger and resentment from her. I felt like I had lost so much in this, but at the time I couldn't see what I was gaining. I went through stages of anger, feelings of betrayal and loss, and even depression, but now I am at peace. I do miss our friendship and the way some things used to be, but there's a larger part of me that is disappointed in the way he disrespected our friendship, even though we helped each other through many difficult times in our lives. I know that he was trying to follow his heart, but I don't think you should have to hurt and use people along the way in order to make yourself happy. I think some day he will regret how he handled everything and that makes me more sad for him than I could ever be for myself. 


I want him to be happy. That's all I ever wanted for him, especially through all of this. I hope that he truly is, because I finally am. I spent so many years unhappy and that was no one else's doing but my own. I want him to find all of the things he was searching for and couldn't find with me. I hope he has found them with her. I want to find all of the things I've been searching for and couldn't find with him. I am finding them in myself.


There are nights where I sit alone now and am completely at peace in the solitude. There's no sadness or emptiness in that space the way there used to be. The silence around me is no longer suffocating, it's freeing instead. I've changed the way I look at things. I've learned to be grateful for each little moment. I've learned to appreciate all of the love and support in my life and tell the people in my life how important they are to me. I've learned to let go of the things that make me unhappy and fight unapologetically for the things that make me smile. 


Losing someone important in your life in any capacity is not easy. It is a struggle and in some ways, it always will be. You'll always remember what once was, but it's important to realize that each person that you cross paths with is a part of your journey. He was a part of mine and everything that happened between us helped me reach the place where I am now. And where I am now is a really good place.


I wrote my very first post on this blog six months ago when I felt a little lost, but the last line read, "and from this, I will undoubtedly rise," and I have. I continue to do so. And I am so very proud of how far I've come. 



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